fatherhood - a whinge
What to say? Where to start? I want to yell and kick and scream out to everyone that my dad is a selfish childish bastard. I believe it is really important to observe yourself and the people around you in order to ensure you are doing the right thing by them. It's kinda like making sure I don't mentally bump into people when I'm moving about the room. I have done this job a little two well. It's time to do some bumping. My ex is gone and in the past and I'm cool with that. Karma is chasing his ass all the way to the developing world. And that is a story that still makes me chuckle. But my dad is here, trying to be in my life but living in some fantasy that everything is ok. We spoke for the first time in 5 years one year ago this week. He thinks that our being on speaking terms means everything is fine. And it is not. I'm speaking to him now because I am ready for answers. Why did he hit me? Why did he fail to support me in my education as he promised my mum and the solicitor during their divorce. Why am I second always to whatever he has going on in his life. Work. GF. TV. Motor bike races... anything that comes up. I am so supremely angry with him that it feels like the earth should shake and he should feel it all the way down in Victoria and K N O W that I am pissed off. Of course the reality is I am here and he is there and my stomp is not that strong.
It's my 30th birthday in two weeks. I sent out my invites last Monday. I'm having two parties - the A list or friends party. And the B list party. Family. My dad was invited. Which would be difficult. My mum would be there too. (And that is a whole nother episode) I sent the invite to him at work. Same place I sent his birthday card a month a go. He only called me 4 days a go to thank me for the card. I made the decision not to play anymore. I decided I would not have his GF there. I won't invite her. She is a horrible person who has worked very hard to make life difficult for me. I don't trust her. I don't like her. If he wants to be in my life after leaving hurting me physically and mentally then he needs to understand that I can only take so much shit at once and there is no room for her at this point. I received an email from her yesterday - my address was on the invite for RSVP - saying that he wouldn't be able to make it because they had something else on. I replied to her email that she was never invited and that my father should have replied to me himself. I just texted him the same message. It is time to let him go again.
The photo above is my gorgeous nana. Ruby Muriel Liddy. My dad's mum. She told me once that my father was the only one of her four children that kept her awake at night. She couldn't understand what went wrong with him and blamed herself. She was smart. Funny. Gorgeous. She married by default. It was like a suicide. I'll tell that story sometime soon. I just wanted something at the head of this post that was pretty. Something good.